Warning: Explicit language. Expressions of anger, both seen and heard. Rather out than in, as the saying goes.

Dedicated to the 2013 Goodreads troll (the first I ever encountered who wrote me a long-winded email about how I was going to hell for my LGBTQ writing). I still remember you, though I probably shouldn’t. Enjoy the roast. I made it just for you. 😉 And your friends. And anyone else who fits the description.


© Jane Bled 2017


Guess who?

I’m speaking to you

Wealthy stealthy yellow-bellies

Busy raping the daisies

Show your face(s)

Since you’re so courageous

Brave soldiers

Sipping Folgers


Rough-‘er-up bluffers

Texas hold’ems

But I ain’t foldin’


If you’re saving the world

By eradicating ‘lies’

It should be as easy

As ‘merican apple pie

Slices sliding off the conveyor belt

Into Daddy’s drooling mouth

Adding global girth

Collecting prized-pussy pelts


But we all know

(Just me, myself, and I —

Tragically, the others

Feed into your guise)

You won’t say a thing

‘Cause truth-speak

Would ease the sting —

Soggify your ‘sorcery’–

Signature forgery

If you practiced what you preached

Maybe I’d respect the overreach

But anonymous fanfaronade

Is synonymous with

With slum-dog hypocrisy

And on that matter of fact

I think we can all agree


‘I love Jesus’

‘Jesus loves me’

‘But God hates you

Because you love free speech’




Know this —

You’re goddamned lame

Placing His picture

In a plastic frame

Shirking off well-deserved blame

Kissing the rosary for internet fame

False prophecies

Center stage

Self-made messiahs

Y’all must be one

And the same



Parma, Italy

Good prosciutto

(Swiss cheese brain)


Did I stutter


Who hacked into

My private network?


And fuck your fake-ass bitches, too

Flicking you off

As I drop the other shoe

Nope, not gonna sugarcoat shit

You suck decrepit donkey dick

I hope you pin the tail

And choke on it


My bad —

Was that not polite?

Did I speak impulsively

In haste

In poor taste?

Poor dears

Dry your eyes —

I’d donate more fecal waste

If I weren’t so effin’ constipated

Taking the tapeworm’s bait

Internalizes agitation


Your hatred only fuels my creativity

So pile it on

One by one

Keep pushing me down

To my knees

Hold my head still

Ill will

Force your fingers

Down my throat

I’ll spit sucker-punches

Get your motherfuckin’ goat

As you’re ding-donging it in

Foot to cock’n’balls

Skin to foreskin



My cajones are bigger

But this ain’t a contest

It’s a war

Not a love-fest

I’m burning the white flag

As a sign of my protest


You don’t know Jack

About the craft

So put your beads

Back up your crack

And wait for the shaft

To open up a bigger draft

Proverbial cap in the ass

Don’t need a bomb

To send a blast —

Here’s a fast-tracked



I’m making a list

Justin, Molly, Kipper —

Jokers, Go Fish

Be careful

For what you bloody wish

And where you choose to take a dip

I heard piranhas

Lurk in the bay

Pile your fetti on

Fickle Fate’s plate

And you just might wind up

Waiting at the gates


Sorry —

No pearly-white

Heaven’s greeting cards

Assigned to the likes of you

But I heard Hell has bunkbeds

So at least you can still screw

Each other.



Something to get you started

You know who you are (especially you, dude who compared me to Helen of Troy & then said it was probably an old picture lol — and you, his sweet ‘n’ sour sidekick). Thank you so much for inspiring me! Have a lovely day/night/whatever-time-it-is-on-your-self-righteous-soapbox. That mirror is double-sided — or didn’t you know?


PS — Isn’t Snapchat the best? I’ve wondered how I would look wearing clown makeup. Turns out, it suits me well when the mood strikes. 😉