July 26, 2017

Poetry: “Jealousy”

Trigger warning: strong language, self-harm, sexual assault. Reader discretion is advised.


I.

Were you jealous of me
When the seat belt
Sliced through
Membrane and muscle,
Severing connections,
Permanently
Breaking me
Inside and out?

The pain still didn’t stop me
From raising my voice aloud;
From staying out and proud.

II.

Were you jealous of me
When Mother told Detective
I’d “made it all up”;
Then returned “home”
To sleep beside
My brothers’ rapist
And probably let him
Come inside her
Later;
Convincing herself
It was all a bad dream?

Were you jealous of me
When I flirted with
The cap of my pill bottle
And seduced its contents
Down my throat?

In that moment,
I’d lost all hope.

III.

Were you jealous of me
When your dream man tried
To hold my hand —
Before it was his to hold —
Before you forcibly pried it away?

Were you jealous of me
When you stole
My iPhone’s passcode
Oh-so-long ago
And to this day
Continue to violate
My privacy
Every time I connect
To the Internet?

No, I will not stop
For fear of “yet” —
It’s my right —
Just ask a vet.

IV.

Were you jealous of me
When you crowned me
With insults:
“Slut-whore!”
“Beggar-bitch!”
“Kill yourself,
You ugly wretch!”
“Make the world
A better place!”
“You’re a waste of space.”
“You need to be erased.”
(Superficiality —
I can’t help my face

Were you jealous of me
When I tore myself to bits
Just to fit
Your idea of ‘apologetic’?
By the way,
I’m not sorry
For my feelings —
I’m sorry
You hacked into them —
And sorrier still
That I’m still
Not over his near-touch
Because I crave/want
What I thought could be
Ours
(I’m fucking selfish).

But there is no ‘us’ —
There never was.
He doesn’t love me
(Neither do you),
And I wish I could forget,
For Loyalty’s sake,
How good he almost felt;
But you have no right
To feel me up
In the midst of a crowd
Without my consent.
You are dog(s)
Amongst (wo)men
And not the loving type
The kind that should stay
Behind a fence
All bark, all bite.

V.

Are you jealous of me
Because I lost 40 pounds
Obsessing over
How to fix my looks
To please your eyes;
And then realized
How little your approval
Matters —
How you will keep hating me
No matter my size —
As my skin sags down,
I feel
Fatter than ever,
And the scars
Are showing through
My toughened hide?

VI.

Are you jealous of me
Because my father’s shadow
Is thunder
And sometimes he speaks
With my voice,
And his hands squeeze my neck
As the pillow presses
Against my face,
And I use the only weapons
I have:
Sharp nails,
Adrenalized strength?

And I run, run, run
For my life
Because he could still
Come after me —
He could still
Keep coming —
And he won’t mess up
This time.
Best to wait until
He’s old and frail,
Because at least then
I could take him on;
His charm is surface-deep
The beast still lurks
Below,
And remembers my name.

VII.

Are you jealous of me
Because I’ve shattered
Every dream
I ever had for myself
Just to recreate
The trauma I felt,
Because it’s all I’ve
Ever known
(Emotional hell)?

VIII.

Are you jealous of me
Because I feel nothing much
When it’s sheathed
Within;
But I want him to feel
Wicked-good,
So I play the part
Of Mrs. Sin?

Do you worry
Because
I like it “too much”,
Like that’s something
To be ashamed of?
It’s all a bluff.
I wish I liked it more;
But the first boy
Shoves it in before
We’ve gotten past
Second base,
And my roommates
Are laughing
And their music
Is deafening,
And my eyes bug
Out of my head
Because I can’t believe
He’s doing this —
How is he fitting it in
When I’m dry as a bone —
Repeating,
“No!”
Like a mantra of
Hope
To God sitting pretty
On His celestial throne;
And no one is listening —
Nobody saves me,
And I can’t even save
Myself
From this black belt
Karate instructor
As his eyes say,
“I’ll kill you
If you tell,”
And I believe him,
So it takes a month
To stop
Playing the part
Of his girlfriend
Because I can’t bear
The thought
Of what he really did —
Who he really is —
And why I can’t
Walk away.

But when I do,
I fuck him good
Rub myself raw —
Bleeding and smiling –
Because now
There’s physical
Evidence;
Though my clit
Never feels the same
Again,
And to this day
I’m the only one
Who can touch it right.

IX.

Are you jealous of me
Because I have used up
My self-pity
And depleted
My desire
To self-harm?

X.

Are you jealous of me?

Because even now —
After every rotten thing
You (all) did —
I can still
Forgive you
(Myself).

***

“Jealousy” © Jane Bled 2016-2017


“Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function regardless of the temperature of the heart.”
― Corrie ten Boom

Most days, my heart is warm. Even towards the ones who don’t deserve it (though are a few notable exceptions). I am, after all, only human.

Peace be with you.

SONY DSC

Water Lily © Zhanghaobeibei | ID 20681655 | Dreamstime Stock Photos

Jane

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About Jane Bled

Dreaming, writing, singing. Curious queer human. Soul-deep; heart speaks.

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All Things Jane Bled, Free, Poetry, Writing

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