Trigger warning: disturbing imagery. Suicidal thoughts. Depression. Ideologically-sensitive material. Reader discretion is advised.

***

I wondered why you wore that shirt in front of them (US).

It said
“I HATE YOU ALL”
Or was it just
“I HATE YOU”

?

I was flummoxed
Perplexed
Puzzled
How could you hate the children who claim to love you?
Worshippers sob your name and slit their wrists
Simple syllables on limping lips
“Rod” rhymes with “cod”
A death rattle from a sea of fish

No longer will I wonder
Since you’ve successfully managed to make me feel
Every gritty particle of your abject misery
A sudden gust of country road dust in the unprepared eye
Coarse sand stuck in the crotch of an ill-fitting bathing suit
Company’s struggle to chew poorly prepared mussels and clams

I thought I was Depression Incarnate
But no
You take the pat-a-cake on that
Disguised as extra whitening toothpaste
That billion-yen grin sparkling in your reflective heels
Well done, chum
I could not have done the same
Not deliberately
Purposefully
Remorselessly
“Solipsism”
Is that a word synonymous
With narcissism?
Haven’t we all got a touch of that?
What’s your excuse for taking it so far?
Wait, I know!
It must be someone else’s fault
Call the guard dog!
The ornery peasants have brought their pitchforks again
Nothing a blast from the fireman’s hose won’t cure

Thankfully, I’m no longer interested
In masking my ills with smoke and water
(Pot and alcohol, same diff)
Realizing I still have choices
Like
Do I choose to hate the choir?
Nope.
Duh!
Y’all make me sad
With your poor-me, kiss-my-boo-boo issues
The same boring doldrums as any humdrum Joe/Jane Blow entertains
Mimicking each other, riding on shit-dipped coattails
Of fetty-fame
(In bloggerverse, no less)
High-fiving with fingers fresh from snappy comebacks
Competing for title of Biggest Nobody
Boasting about which prick has the thickest dick
Or which lay-d totes the largest labia
LOL you were born that way
Congratulations
Ding-a-ling, the jackpot’s yours
“My problems are greater than his/hers”
Disappointingly
Predictably
Ordinarily
Human
Nothing special
(Maybe) I’m mouthing off to an echo chamber

Me
Me
Me

Though I feel for YOU most of all
Mr. Mrs. Ms. Special Somebody, Much Maligned, Misunderstood Martyr
(Of course you didn’t deserve it–that’s what they’re paid to tell you)
YOU are the saddest person I’ve never met
And I would pity YOU
If YOU had left me with that ability, but,
Ever greedy, YOU took that, too
Yet I’ve taken no nouns from YOU
I haven’t stolen a single thing
Person
Place
Or idea
I’ve given YOU more than I gave myself
At the peak of my non-career

Understanding
Empathy
Compassion
Kindness
L-O-V-E
(Excepting forgiveness
That I took for my own)

Truth
Yes
I was afraid of YOU
And the other stalkers you bribed
Disguised as devout do-gooders
Really just wanting to unwind
On the nearest queer
“For the cause”
My terror extended to all who fit the description of
“Potential person”
And dared to wave in my general direction
And/or patted me on the back
With a lettered sign taped with Scotch
“KICK”

Friends with enemies
I still don’t know if he’s one of YOU
And likely, I never will
Though YOU ensured I wouldn’t believe him either
I nevertheless trust him more than YOUR left hand

Speaking of YOUR favorite subject
YOU didn’t deserve my gifts
Users never do
Story of my life
Nothing much new

Except
I’ve defeated my fear of YOU
Which means I’m no longer dangerous
To myself
So I sincerely thank YOU
For hurting me so deeply
YOU thoroughly showed me
Of self-love, I’m worthy
Not YOUR intention, of course
But it’s the consequence
Accidental outcome
Of YOUR selfishness

I’m so happy
In defeat
Overjoyed
More than YOU
Will ever know
When losing feels like winning
Accepting
Grieving
Moving on
(Knowing the ingrained moi
The essence of my person will not diminish)
Stronger
Because
Once I’m done with something
Or someone
I’m fucking done
With salting
Pillars of snow
Accumulating driftwood
For Lot’s wife
YOU are
Gone (isn’t it about time you answered the call?)

When you find the next one
And the next
Next
Next
Next
Next
Next
Next
Keep looking, but
You won’t find yourself
Who’s that, anyway?
Do you even know
The answer to a rhetorical question

Y’all think God is synonymous with good
What if people like Him
Are what’s wrong with the world?
What if the story He told you about the Devil
Is a biblical, bald-faced lie?
What if God’s a psychopathic mass murderer–
Would you still aim to be his bride?
Would you beg Him to plot you a grave in the sky?
Would you pray to see His face
When he watches you die?

Certainly,
I would decline.

***

“When God Wore a Cloak”
© Jane Bled 2018
All Rights Reserved.
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I Killed Her © Jane Bled